“You cannot start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”
— Michael McMillan
Throughout the course of today, I was in inexplicable discomfort within my own body and mind.
My stomach was hurting, which didn’t allow me to eat almost anything. My mind was fogged beyond comprehension, and trying to write was like trying to drive a car while you’re half-asleep.
I didn’t understand why I was feeling the way I was. After talking to my younger brother about this, I had decided that what I needed was to take it easy.
Perhaps I was just tired from the day-to-day stresses of life, and needed to allow myself to recover. And so, I finished up whatever I had left to do and sat down to watch Naruto Shippuden; an anime that was the staple of my childhood.
However, something peculiar happened.
Something, I believe, that needed to happen.
(Spoilers Up Ahead)
I recommend watching this scene, then returning to this newsletter.
It’s the best way for you to comprehend the impact this scene had on me and the lesson I am trying to convey to you.
In Episode 82 of Naruto Shippuden, one of the protagonists, Shikamaru, was mourning the loss of his sensei, Asuma. He refused to show his emotions after such a devastating loss, and spent days sitting outside his family home in silence, refusing to eat or sleep.
Eventually, his father, Shikaku, invited him to play shōgi (a kind of chess, if you will). Shikaku took this opportunity to discuss with his son about the events that had surpassed, only for Shikamaru to snap.
In a fit of rage, Shikamaru threw the shōgi table to the side and expressed his annoyance with his father. Shikamaru, in an angered state, said, “will you shut your mouth? All this talking is making me sick! Say what you want, I’m still nothing but a useless coward.”
His father rightfully and immediately disagreed with his son’s statement. Then, Shikaku stands, facing his son from only a foot away.
The next words that Shikaku spoke, made Shikamaru — and I, — burst into tears.
“Let it out, boy. All of the anger, the sadness, and the fear; everything that’s brewing inside of you, you’ve got to let it go. It all starts from there, son.”
— Shikaku Nara
I paused the show, and began to cry uncontrollably into my arms.
I finally understood why I had been feeling so ill that day, and why this feeling had been haunting me for the past few months.
I had hit my breaking point.
I was carrying the weight of everything I had been through these last five years, let alone the past six months.
The loss of family and friends, sacrificing friendships that I can never return to, being toyed with and manipulated by both men and women alike, my struggles with different addictions, and the pain I had caused to my family due to my selfish, immature actions.
The grief, the heartbreak, the disrespect, the pressure; all of this pain I had been carrying for so long finally flooded out of me, thanks to this one scene.
I needed to cry.
I needed to let.
It.
Out.
I know that in this “intellectual manosphere,” many would deem my experience as a sign of weakness. That I am too fragile to be a “man.” But, I beg to differ.
There comes a time in every man’s life, where the burdens they carry become too much. So much so, that if they do not allow that pain to be released as it should, it will worsen the rest of their lives.
Without this release, your emotions will consume you from the inside, and turn you into a sick version of yourself that cannot function at the high level you desire to be. That you need to be.
And I mean that in all regards.
It will lessen how effective you are at your craft.
It will taint all of your relationships.
It will dull the colors of the world for you, leaving you with nothing but gray.
It will even decay your physical health, exemplified by my random stomach pains and brain fog.
Work, health, social life, sex life; all of it will crumble, if you do not let it out.
Thus, I implore you to take a moment and sit in silence.
Find a place where you can be at peace and sit with yourself. If you’re in this space, you’re likely to have meditated at least once before this. If not, I highly recommend you find a quick meditation guide from YouTube.
Use the breathing that is taught in meditation to focus on your breath. For me, it helps to could each in-breath and out-breath, count up to ten, and start again.
Once you have reached a calmed state, allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Whatever situation, past event, or problem that you are facing; allow the emotions that have been birthed from them to come out, and show no restraint.
Show no restraint to the pain, anguish, or sadness you normally hold back.
Then, let it go.
This isn’t a quick fix, and doing this practice won’t solve all your problems. However, it will be the first step to getting back into the trenches, to face off against the challenges on your path towards success.
After all, it’s just like Shikaku had said to his mourning son…
“It all starts from there.”
I hope this entry has helped you, dear friend. And, remember…
Take care,
— Lazarus